G.U.M.
Episode 6.1
“Bump In The Night”

Written by:
Julie Minter and Kenny Marks
1^st Draft 3/03/04

  SYNOPSIS

Scarlet Grave is hired to play at a swank mansion on Halloween. Little do they know that this night will prove to be most interesting. Long live Marquis de Sade.

 

CAST LIST

ENIN
JACEN
SCOTT
RACHEL
AMADEUS
TOADIE
JYNX

SIDE CHARACTERS
BLOODWORM (THE BAND)
  GINGER LEE
  THE KIDD
  C.J.
  FROG
MISTRESS LILLY
MISTRESS ROSE
TEDDY BEARS

FADE IN:

A LONG DIRT ROAD - JUST AFTER SUNSET

Scarlet Grave is traveling along a winding, dirt road. RACHEL and AMADEUS are in the hearse, while ENIN, JACEN, SCOTT, TOADIE, and JYNX (JACEN’S Great Dane) are behind them in the van. RACHEL is driving and so is ENIN. The hearse is filled with the equipment that couldn’t fit in the van. Just some guitars and a hardware case shaped like a coffin, which is filled with electrical cords and other things.

INT. OF THE VAN

SCOTT is riding in the passenger side. JACEN and TOADIE are in the back with JYNX.

ENIN
Why couldn’t your grandmother just lock them in different rooms?

JACEN
Because she believes I’m ignoring them, and she then refused to listen to anything else I had to say. So it was either bring Dallas or Jynx. Jynx is more relaxed and she will sleep in the van the whole night.

SCOTT (keeping his eyes on the hearse)
Why did she have to let him ride with her? I always play navigator. He doesn’t even know what music she wants to listen to. He’ll probably have her listen to a CD with concertos, or some shit like that.

ENIN
Don’t worry about it. It’s just for tonight. If he does make her mad, then you can ride with her on the way back.

SCOTT
But she never told me to ride with you all before. It’s like I’m sitting at the kiddy-table during Thanksgiving dinner.

JACEN
It can’t be that bad.

They hear the sound of someone passing gas. They look at the Great Dane and begin yelling/gagging. SCOTT and ENIN roll down the windows.

CUT TO:

INT. OF THE HEARSE

Loud heavy, rock music pours from the speakers.

RACHEL
That’s a violin?

AMADEUS
Yup. He loves playing with distortion.

RACHEL
And he’s from Europe?

AMADEUS
Germany, to be exact.

RACHEL
How many is in his band?

AMADEUS
Three. They all play different instruments and use keyboards to fill out their sound. However, they refuse to sign with any recording company. They believe it will tarnish all that they strived for.

RACHEL
I can respect that. It sounds like you know them.

AMADEUS
Only in passing. (glances in the back and sees the coffin-style case) You know, you can get an actual coffin for free.

RACHEL
Free? How?

AMADEUS (looks at her)
The cemetery, of course. Those things are just laying around ready to be dug up. It’s not like the occupant would complain.

RACHEL (smiles)
Sad thing is, I actually thought about that.

AMADEUS
Or you can just buy one.

RACHEL (thinks)
I have an uncle who’s an undertaker. Maybe he could give me a discount.

AMADEUS
Still not the same as a used one.

RACHEL
Ha! Very true, ya morbid freak, very true.

AMADEUS (grins)
I aim to please.

CUT TO:

INT. OF THE VAN

The windows are rolled back up. JACEN is quietly sitting in the back smoking a bowl. TOADIE is watching him intently. ENIN smells the air.

ENIN (glances at JACEN)
Before a gig?

JACEN (exhales)
Always.

ENIN rolls down his window, again, then lights a cigarette.

SCOTT
Jay, if you keep this up, you’ll lapse into a coma and never wake up.

JACEN
Fine with me.

JACEN takes another hit and blows it into JYNX’S face.

TOADIE (calls out)
Me! Me!

ENIN (turns around quickly)
No!

JACEN wonders what would happen to TOADIE if...

*INSIDE JACEN’S THOUGHTS*

We see the members of Scarlet Grave standing around when they arrive at their destination. They are watching TOADIE, who is bouncing around like a pinball, screaming and squealing gibberish, and finally comes to a dead stop. He looks at the group and tenses up. TOADIE’S head explodes. POP! Blood splatters on everyone.

*OUT OF JACEN’S THOUGHTS*

JACEN snaps out of his quick vision with a jolt.

JACEN
Maybe you’re right. Better safe than sorry.

SCOTT (still keeping an eye on the hearse in front of them)
What do you think they are talking about in there?

ENIN (evil grin)
Maybe they’re not even talking.

SCOTT (gets a steamy mental picture)
Nooooo!
(nearly growling)
That bastard!

CUT TO:

EXT. OF A LARGE MANSION - NIGHT

The hearse and the van park before the dark, movie-esque mansion. There are five other vehicles parked outside, as well. They heard that another band, Bloodworm, is suppose to be there, but they’ve never met them before. Exiting the vehicles, they walk up to the front door. JACEN fails to see JYNX follow him.

ENIN rings the doorbell and they wait.

SCOTT
Maybe it’s broken.

A metal rustling sound comes from the other side and the door slowly opens. They are greeted with a tall “Lurch” looking butler. He says nothing, only ushers them inside. He shuts the door and leaves them.

A woman, in her mid 50s, begins speaking with them. She is standing at the top of the grand staircase. She is clad in a dark dress, similar to a Victorian style. She starts to walk down the stairs, all the while talking to them. Her name is MISTRESS LILLY.

LILLY
Welcome to my home. My guests will be arriving shortly. Make your way into the ballroom, there you will meet the others. If you have any questions, my servants will be near to answer them. Enjoy your stay.

LILLY turns and heads back up the stairs.

ENIN
Alrighty...

ENIN leads them into the ballroom. As they enter, the door slams shut.

SCOTT
That’s not good.

ENIN (looking around)
Where is everyone?

The room begins to rumble and the far wall shifts. Four new doors form on the wall, all swinging open

JACEN
Dude, are you seeing this?

AMADEUS takes off walking for the doors.

ENIN
Where are you going?

AMADEUS (unnerved by what is happening)
Through that door. It opened for a reason and I’m going to find out why.

AMADEUS continues walking with RACHEL following him. As soon as they enter, the door slams shut. There are no knobs on the doors.

JACEN heads for the second door. TOADIE and JYNX follow him inside. The door closes.

ENIN and SCOTT remain quiet for a moment.

ENIN
There’s two doors left.

SCOTT (dryly)
Yes, you can count.

SCOTT heads for the third door. It abruptly shuts.

ENIN (sighs)
Ah, fuck. Why do I have to be alone?

ENIN walks into the last doorway and the door closes. Inside the hallway, the area is lit with a dull light. ENIN pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

A VOICE (from behind ENIN)
No smoking in the halls.

ENIN turns to see a black cat grooming itself near the wall.

ENIN (confused)
Did you just speak?

THE CAT (looks up)
No. He did...
(he gestures behind ENIN)

ENIN slowly turns to see a very tall demon-esque man in white shrouds, carrying a old looking lantern in his hand. ENIN starts to scream like a girl and stumbles back. As he stumbles, a section of the wall opens and ENIN falls through.

*SCENE CHANGE*

AMADEUS and RACHEL are opening the doors in the hall. Each room is empty.

RACHEL
Still no bathroom?

AMADEUS
Nope. But we should be finding one soon.

AMADEUS opens one door and screeching/growling comes from the darkness. He casually closes it.

AMADEUS
I found the game room.

RACHEL opens a door and walks in.

RACHEL
Forget the bathroom, I found the TV room.

The room is decked out with state-of-the-art TVs, DVD players, video game consoles, and so on. They enter and close the door.

AMADEUS (looks around)
So you want to watch TV?

RACEHL
Nah, I just want to do a little shopping.

AMADEUS
Tell you what, make a list of what you want, and I’ll buy it for you.

RACHEL (smiles)
Anything, you say?

AMADEUS
Anything.

*SCENE CHANGE*

JACEN, TOADIE, and JYNX are peacefully heading down the hall. JACEN is leading the little group. They see these little shadowy creatures moving before them. The shadows merge into one giant creature and it stands before them.

SHADOW CREATURE (growling)
Hall-pass?

JACEN (gulps)
I, uh, don’t have one. But I have this--

JACEN hands over his bag of weed.

SHADOW CREATURE (gleeful)
Your hall-pass has been accepted.

The creature disappears before them.

TOADIE (wrinkles his nose)
Smelly bag.

They continuing walking. The hallway branches into two corridors. There are signs pointing to the left corridor saying, “DO NOT ENTER!” The other sign pointing to the right says, “Free food! Some poisoned, some not.”

JACEN glances from one sign to the other. He rubs his chin and thinks.

JACEN (contemplating)
Tough one. With the food, there’s a chance that something maybe wrong. But with this one (motions to the “DO NOT ENTER” sign), there’s a good chance that nothing bad will happen. That’s the logical answer.

JACEN heads down the left corridor. TOADIE and JYNX follow.

*SCENE CHANGE*

SCOTT walks along until the hallway stops at a single door. He knocks. There’s no answer. He then opens the door and finds a shocking, yet welcoming sight.

It’s a harem of women are laying about. Each one wearing the skimpiest of clothing. They are all relaxing while smoking on a hookah.

SCOTT feels like he has died and gone to heaven. He can’t even take a brave step into the room.

BLACK HAIRED GIRL
We have a visitor.

BLONDE GIRL
Welcome. How may we please you this evening?

SCOTT (gulps)
I-uh, well...uh...

BRUNETTE
Maybe we aren’t to his tastes. Perhaps he prefers a man.

SCOTT
No, no, you all are, wow....I’m dreaming. This has to be a dream.

BLONDE
Do our voluptuous bodies disgust you? Maybe a more experienced body is what you crave. (she claps her hands twice)

A door in the back swings open violently and a woman in her sixties marches into the room. She is clad in black leather. Everything about her screams “Dominatrix.”

MISTRESS ROSE (thick German accent)
Guten Tag. (she cracks her whip)

SCOTT (gulps, visibly scared)
Ah, fuck.

*SCENE CHANGE*

ENIN falls through the ceiling of a room. He lands hard on the floor. The room is lit by candles, casting an eerie glow. Six dirt-covered caskets sit about the room. Curious, ENIN opens the nearest casket. There’s a rotting corpse inside. He taken aback at the sight. ENIN then hears a noise coming from another casket and goes to investigate. Slowly, he opens the lid.

A girl (about eighteen) sits up, screaming. Her hair is short and dyed violet with pink stripes throughout. Her clothing is very interesting, as well. She looks like she shops at Hot Topic, but she doesn’t. (She believes that Hot Topic has become too trendy for her.) This is GINGER LEE, self-proclaimed femme fatale and banshee of rock. She is the singer for Bloodworm. As GINGER LEE speaks, her voice isn’t typically girlie. She has a deep sultry voice, but not too deep. (Think Catherine Zeta-Jones in “Chicago.”)

GINGER LEE (screaming and thrashing about)
Ahhhh! Don’t kill me you fuckin’ freak! (she see ENIN, stops and blinks) You’re not... Where did he go?

ENIN backs up, somewhat frightened of the girl.

GINGER LEE
Who are you?

ENIN
Enin Walker. And you?

GINGER LEE (getting out of the casket)
My name’s Ginger Lee Anderson.

ENIN (thinks)
So, you don’t live here.

GINGER LEE
Of course not. What? Do you think I go around and hide in smelly old coffins for fun?

ENIN
Geez, I’s just trying to figure things out here.

GINGER LEE (dusting herself off)
My band was hired to play here tonight.

ENIN
Let me guess, you walked into an empty ballroom.

GINGER LEE
Affirmative. I took door number four. So why are you here? I thought the circus left town yesterday?

ENIN (angry)
What’s that suppose to mean?!

GINGER LEE (smiles)
You know, clowns, elephants...midgets.

GINGER is nearly a foot taller than ENIN. But of course, many are taller than him. Poor ENIN.

ENIN (fumes)
I’m not a midget! At least I’m not a Goliath-Amazon who has to duck before entering a room. Besides, I don’t think “midget” is very P.C.

GINGER LEE (sighs)
Fuck P.C. Listen, as much as I’d like to continue this little verbal sparring match, I would like to get out of this place.
(laughs and mumbles)
Hehehe, little.

ENIN (swallows his pride)
Whatever.
(looks around and finds no door)
If someone else were in here with you, then there has to be a way out.

ENIN spots a bookcase. Besides the six caskets, the bookcase is the only other object in the room. He walks over to the case and pulls on one book. All of the books lean forward, as though they are connected. The case unlatches and swings away from the wall.

ENIN
That’s redundant.

GINGER LEE
Wait a second.
(she grabs one of the candelabras)

They head into the secret hallway.

*SCENE CHANGE*

RACHEL and AMADEUS enter another room that is filled with weapons and “mad scientist” laboratory objects. On one large table there are stacks of books. RACHEL is drawn to the weapons and picks up a sawed-off shotgun. AMADEUS is drawn to the books and starts to look through them.

AMADEUS (eyes widen)
We have to leave.

RACHEL
Why?

AMADEUS
Zombies.

RACHEL (skeptical)
Zombies? What makes you think that?

AMADEUS holds up a book that says, “Voodoo for Dummies.” RACHEL walks over to the table to look at the books herself. Other books say, “Idiot’s Guide to Zombies,” “Learning the Art of Necromancy in 24 Hours,” and also a copy of “Chicken Soup for the Sadomasochistic's Soul.” RACHEL picks up the “Chicken Soup” book and pockets it. She then readies the shotgun.

AMADEUS
Wait. Don’t arm yourself.

RACHEL
Why not?

AMADEUS
Haven’t you seen the movies? Carrying a weapon is an invitation for trouble.

RACHEL
But this isn’t a movie.

AMADEUS
Or is it? We could be on one of those hidden camera shows.
(glances around, paranoid)

RACHEL (cocks the shotgun)
Then let’s leave.

In response to the sound of the shot gun, the far wall opens up to reveal hundreds of zombies waiting to enter the room. The zombies advance.

RACHEL begins shooting at them.

AMADEUS (critiquing manner)
Never use shotguns against zombies. Reloading time is a bitch. (he spots a flame-thrower)
Now this...

Remaining calm and collected, he pulls on the fuel tanks and readies the weapon. He fires at the approaching zombies. They engulf in flames and start to moan and thrash about.

AMADEUS (stops to watch them)
Not the smartest zombies I’ve seen. They must have used turkey blood instead of chicken.

RACHEL grabs AMADEUS’ wrist and leads him out of the room.

*SCENE CHANGE*

JACEN, TOADIE, and JYNX enter a solid white room. The door closes and disappears.

JACEN
Maybe we should have taken our chances with the food.

A long table appears before them. It is covered in every food imaginable.

JACEN
Whoa.

TOADIE
Tang!

A glass of orange liquid appears on the ground before TOADIE.

JACEN
O--kay. How about this...
(concentrates)

A field of mature marijuana plants appear as far as the eye can see.

JACEN (stupid grin)
I love you, room!
(he skips off for the field)

TOADIE sits down and drinks his glass of Tang. JYNX looks at JACEN and TOADIE. She closes her eyes then opens them. A large Harlequin Great Dane appears. He prances up to JYNX and they happily run off together.

TOADIE sets his glass down and a box of crayons appear. He starts to color on the white floor.

*SCENE CHANGE*

SCOTT is in a large bedroom. He is in his boxers and strapped to a bed. He looks around the room and sees two other guys in the room with him. One guy is in shackles and hanging from the ceiling. The second guy is in a dog cage on the floor. They are in their underwear, as well. The guy in the cage is C.J., bass player for Bloodworm. The other guy is FROG, drummer for Bloodworm.

SCOTT
So, are you here for the party, too?

C.J. (whispering from his cage)
No speakie!

FROG
Yeah, if we talk, she’ll come in here and force us to play with Señor Sting.

SCOTT
Sting’s here?

FROG (shakes his head and turns to show his back)
This Senor Sting.

SCOTT (gulps)
Oh.
(wonders out loud)
This will either be incredibly awesome or borderline disturbing.

MISTERSS ROSE enters the room with two other dominatrices. ROSE slaps her riding crop in her hand.

MISTRESS ROSE
The safety word is, “Zenquagalminfauxtiepmymboxale.”

SCOTT
Can you repeat that?

MISTRESS ROSE (slaps the crop again)
No speaking!

SCOTT (wide eyed)
Eeep.

*SCENE CHANGE*

ENIN and GINGER LEE walk along the corridor. As they take their steps, a trapdoor opens in the floor and they fall through. They land in a another room. Looking around, they see the first room, with caskets and all.

ENIN (looks around)
Son ov’a bitch!

GINGER LEE
Well, someone wants to keep us here.

ENIN gets up and goes over to the bookcase. He opens it to reveal a new steel door sealing off the secret passage.

ENIN
Great!

GINGER LEE (laying down and looking at the ceiling)
Do you have any cigarettes?

ENIN
Yeah. (hands her a cigarette)

GINGER LEE sets it to the side.

ENIN
Aren’t you going to smoke?

GINGER LEE
I only smoke after sex.

ENIN blinks as he begins to understand what she means.

*SCENE CHANGE*

AMADEUS takes the lead as they search for a way out. RACHEL has a machete in one hand and a MK-47 in the other, while AMADEUS is still carrying the flame-thrower.

AMADEUS (stops walking)
Do you hear that?

RACHEL (listens)
Uh, no. I don’t hear anything.

AMADEUS
It’s like an electric feedback. (he follows the sound)

They come to a door marked, “Teddy Bear Hotel.”

RACHEL (confused look)
Teddy Bears?

AMADEUS (whispers)
One of the strongest evil conduits known to Earth. That could be what I hear.

AMADEUS kicks open the door.

The room is large and resembles a small factory. The little Teddy Bears are rushing around with VHS tapes and DVDs. There are also computers, most likely used for taking internet purchases.

AMADEUS and RACHEL enter the room.

The Teddy Bears see them.

BEAR #1
We’ve been breached!

BEAR #2
Alert Mistress Lilly!

AMADEUS aims the flame-thrower.

BEAR #1
He has fire!

AMADEUS
Where’s Lilly?

BEAR #74
We won’t tell!

BEAR #24
Yes we can. We’re in a union.

BEAR #74
You’re right. She’s in the attic. Here, take the stairs.

The Teddy Bears follow them as the humans are led to the stairs.

BEAR #238 (carefree, nearly happy)
If she finds out that we sent you, she’ll pull out our eyes and shatter them with a hammer. Good-luck!

The door to the stairs closes and AMADEUS and RACHEL begin to make their way to the attic.

*SCENE CHANGE*

JACEN is walking through the field with a basket in hand. He continues inspecting the large buds.

JACEN (petting a bud)
Hey, cutie. Have you been a good girl?

Outside the field, TOADIE is riding a pony-sized chicken. He has a classic beer dispensing hat that is holding two glasses of tang. As he’s riding along, he’s coloring on the white walls with the crayons in his hands.

JYNX is still frolicking along with the other Great Dane.

Within the field, several plants begin to move. JACEN takes notice and freezes.

JACEN
That you, Toadie?

The plants continue to shake.

JACEN
Jynx?

The “creature” advances forward, rushing for JACEN. It jumps into the air. As JACEN sees the monster heading for him, he screams and turns to flee, dropping his basket. The monster gives chase.

JACEN tears out of the field and heads for TOADIE.

JACEN (grabs TOADIE)
Time to go!

TOADIE (reaching for the chicken)
Need Chickie!

The chicken watches as JACEN and TOADIE try to leave.

TOADIE continues to yell for the chicken.

JACEN
Chickie will be fine.

The monster, still chasing JACEN, eats the chicken as it passes by. The chicken didn’t even see it coming.

TOADIE (yells)
Nooooo! Chickie!

JYNX sees JACEN running for his life and decides that it’s time to leave, as well. She runs after him.

JACEN (thinks out loud)
Exit, please.

The door appears before him and JACEN slams into it face first. JACEN and TOADIE scramble to their feet and open the door. JYNX is the first to run through, followed by TOADIE and JACEN. They quickly close the door. All is silent. A few seconds pass.

TOADIE
Chickie...

JACEN
Yeah. My sea of green.

JYNX (thinks)
My dream Dane.

JACEN
Welp, I’m hungry. Let’s go find that possibly poisoned food.

They head back down the hallway.

*SCENE CHANGE*

SCOTT is still laying on the bed, handcuffed to the headboard. He has a series of red marks all over his chest and stomach.

MISTRESS ROSE stands up and addresses the room.

MISTRESS ROSE (cracks her whip)
Intermission!

MISTRESS ROSE and the other ladies leave the room.

SCOTT (visibly shaken)
I’m very confused, right now.

FROG (now hanging upside down)
It confused me too.

C.J. (whispers)
No speakie!

SCOTT (getting scared and speaks to the ceiling)
God, if you really exist, then get me out of here. I promise I will never steal again. And all of the porn I own, consider it trashed. And the pirated Hollywood movies, I’ll start going to the theater. I promise. I’ll even be nice to the guys my sister dates...Well, not Deus. He’s an asshole, and I think you know that, too. And that whole thing about Enin’s mom, I’ll stop fantasying about her. I really, really, promise this. See, I’m not that bad of a person. I don’t smoke...tobacco, and I rarely drink. It’s my sister who needs to be punished. She’s the weird one. I hear her in her room always talking to herself. She keeps telling me, “It is what it is.” I’m not sure what she means by that, but I believe it’s getting worse ever since she’s been hanging out with that psycho. That bastard. No, I didn’t mean to use that type of language. Oh, I promise I will never curse. That’s right. No more bad language will exit these lips. So how about it? Will you get me out of here?
(keeps looking skyward with a cheesy grin)

SCOTT waits for an answer. Nothing.

SCOTT
Motherfucker.

FROG
Uh, I heard you mention the name “Deus.” Do you mean “Amadeus”?

SCOTT
Yeah, why?

FROG
I owe him money. He’s really good at poker.

SCOTT (gives up)
Does everyone know him?! We were playing at this club the other night and nearly everyone there knew him. It was like the Godfather had strolled up into the joint.

FROG
I first met him when he joined up with Pyckle. Before that, no one really knew him. But Pyckle didn’t make him well-known. Face it, that band sucks. It was because of Deus that they were able to strive for some notoriety. But yeah, Pyckle sucks.

SCOTT (shrugs)
I have to agree with you there.

C.J. (shakes his cage lightly)
No speakie!

FROG
This “Enin’s mom,” is she hot?

SCOTT (nods)
Very. She has that innocent country girl air about her. Oh, what my mind has schemed over and over... Seeing her baking in the kitchen on a warm spring day. Oh, I know she would want a piece of King Scott...that dirty, dirty girl.
(remembers)
Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I promise I’ll be good.

C.J. (shakes his cage harder)
No speakie!!

Shaking his cage, the swings open. C.J. stops all movement.

FROG
C.J., now help me down.

C.J. gets scared and closes the door.

C.J.
No. She’ll hurt me.

FROG (angry)
Get the fuck out of that cage, you weak-ass pansy shit!

With shaky hands, C.J. opens the door and slowly crawls out. He fidgets as he heads over to FROG and unlatches him from the sealing. FROG falls to the ground then goes to help SCOTT get free.

As FROG finishes freeing SCOTT, C.J. becomes frightened.

C.J. (whispers)
I smell estrogen.

All three turn to face the door. MISTRESS ROSE, accompanied by six very muscular women, come through the door.

MISTRESS ROSE
Nein!

SCOTT
RUN!

SCOTT, FROG, and C.J. maneuver around the bulky women and escape through the door. The women begin to chase them with whips and cat-o'-nine-tails in hand.

*SCENE CHANGE*

JACEN, TOADIE, and JYNX enter a large dining room. There is one table covered in a wide range of food. JACEN spots someone lounging in a chair with his feet propped up on the table. His head is back and he looks lifeless. In his crossed arms is a bottle of Sunrise Tequila. This is THE KIDD, guitarist for Bloodworm. He is a quiet person and a bit on the odd side.

JACEN
He must’ve had the poisoned food by mistake.

Inching closer, JACEN gets a better look at the “dead” guy. He taps him on the shoulder.

THE KIDD snaps awake and loses his balance, crashing to the floor. He quickly recovers and takes his seat, once more.

JACEN
Dude, I’m sorry. I thought you were dead.

KIDD
Dead?
(takes a drink of tequila and sets it on the table)
Nah, this one is hard to kill.

JACEN
I just thought because of the poisoned food.

KIDD
Oh, that. The food is labeled. (motions at the table)

The food strewn out is clearly labeled by signs. Each sign carries the name of the dish and a green “Mr. Uck” sticker if poisoned.

JACEN
Well, that’s a relief. (sits down and begins to eat)

*SCENE CHANGE*

AMADEUS and RACHEL finally reach the door to the attic. AMADEUS lightly knocks on the door.

AMADEUS
Housekeeping.

No answer.

RACHEL
Well, you knocked.

AMADEUS checks the door knob and finds it unlocked. He opens the door to reveal a decent sized command center with MISTRESS LILLY at the helm. There are monitors stationed around her like a private security booth. She doesn’t notice them enter. LILLY is too busy talking into a headset.

LILLY
Yes, the shipment will arrive before Monday, as well as your complementary tee-shirt and golf towel.

AMADEUS (fake cough)
Ahem.

LILLY (glances behind her and speaks into the headset)
Uh, I have to go. My guests are getting restless.
(she removes the headset)
Ah, my Zombie Duo has found me out. What was it? The Teddy Bears. You know, I had a feeling that I couldn’t trust those bags of fluff. But they believe their union will hold. Too bad it is as strong as tissue paper. Now, about you two. I was hoping that you both would have chosen the third door. That would have been interesting.

RACHEL notices one of the monitors and moves into get a better look. We can’t see what’s on the screen, but she explains it herself.

RACHEL (covers her mouth with her hand)
Oh my God! That’s Enin. (she stares at the screen) Who’s that he’s with?...Wow, I didn’t know he could do that. I guess our little E-man is quite the skilled one.

AMADEUS (keeps his attention on LILLY)
So what are you playing at here?

LILLY (reclines in her chair)
Simple. You know those websites like Mucho Sucko and Consumption Junction? Well this is similar to that, but on an intergalactic scale. They love watching you humans at play. Next week, we’ll be in Des Moines and the game will begin again.

AMADEUS (sighs)
Alright. You win. Where’s the exit.

RACHEL (back in the conversation)
Wait, that’s it? We’re not going to stop her?

AMADEUS
Nope.

LILLY (smiles)
That’s a good boy.

LILLY turns back to her controls, pulls on the headset, and punches some buttons.

LILLY (she speaks into the headset)
Game’s over.

The house begins to rumble.

LILLY (to AMADEUS and RACHEL)
You will receive you complementary tee-shirt in four to six weeks. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

LILLY hits a button and AMADEUS and RACHEL disappear in a glittery light, reminiscent to the effect on “Star Trek.”

CUT TO:

EXT. MANSION

AMADEUS and RACHEL, minus their weapons, appear outside near the vehicles.

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION

SCOTT, FROG, and C.J. are running from the stampede of dominatrices. As they run, SCOTT, FROG, and C.J. disappear in the glittery light.

*SCENE CHANGE*

JACEN and THE KIDD are chatting over stupid things, while TOADIE and JYNX are asleep underneath the table. In the same glittery light, they are sent outside with the others. The sudden change of scenery doesn’t affect them. They actually don’t pay attention and continue talking as though nothing has happened.

Two other people, ENIN and GINGER LEE appear outside. They were in the process of redressing. GINGER LEE notices that they are no longer in the mansion. She nudges ENIN in the shoulder. He looks up to see everyone staring at them.

ENIN
What the fuck?

GINGER LEE adjusts her clothes and leans against her car. She retrieves the cigarette, lights it, and hands the lighter back to ENIN. She then starts to mess with her hair.

GINGER LEE
I’m in the mood for pizza. Who else wants to go to the Pizza Palace with me?

Before anyone could answer, the rumbling of the mansion grows louder. Everyone watches as the mansion lifts off the ground and takes to the air like a spacecraft. (Yes, yes, I know, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”) The mansion rises into the night sky. Several seconds later, two figures fly toward the mansion. Those on the ground can’t see what’s happening.

CUT TO:

THE MANSION

The two figures are apart of the Just-Us League; ZIGGY STARDUST (AKA, David Bowie) and MARILYN MANSON. These superheroes fly for the fleeing mansion. ZIGGY and MANSON fire energy blasts at the building, knocking it off course. The mansion curves its ascent and plummets toward a mountain side. It collides into another building, which is BILL GATES secret lair. After the explosion and debris settles, a figure stands up from the wreckage. Skin is falling off of his face and arms, showing a robotic skeleton underneath. (Thank the Overlords he had those cybernetic upgrades.)

BILL
(yells into the sky and shakes his fist) Damn you, Steve Jobs! You win this round!

A robotic voice comes from his chest.

VOICE
Self-repair initiated.

As the self-repair begins, the voice returns.

VOICE
System ERROR!

BILL GATES falls to the ground and convulses.

CUT TO:

ZIGGY STARDUST and MARILYN MANSON floating far above the ground, satisfied with a job well done.

ZIGGY STARDUST
Want to get some ice cream?

MARILYN MANSON
I think I want yogurt tonight.

ZIGGY STARDUST
Suit yourself.

They fly off into the distance.

CUT TO:

The group sees the glow from the explosion, but ignores it.

ENIN
So, you mentioned Pizza Palace? That sounds like a plan.

Everyone plies into their vehicles and heads away from the smoking foundation. But unbeknownst to them, a Teddy Bear escaped during the chaos. He steps from the shadows and surveys the situation.

BEAR #666
That’s right. Live your lives while you can. Once dawn approaches, you will bow down to me and all will fear the name--

LITTLE GIRL
Squishy Pants, there you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.

A little girl runs up to the Teddy Bear and picks him up, hugging him tight. She then skips away happy.

PAN OUT to show the entire darkened countryside. On the mountain’s side, there’s another explosion and a faint sound of the robotic voice saying, “An Illegal Operation Has Occurred. If the problem persists, contact the manufacture.”

 

FADE OUT

END